The first day back…

It’s the first day back and everyone is chatting to one another, but not to me. It’s like I haven’t arrived at all, well, my presence is acknowledged by the hushed whispering tones around me. Everyone seems to be catching up and having fun, but I don’t feel like I belong anymore. I don’t fit in. I’ve out grown my friends….or have they out grown me?

I have to find the strength to carry on, it’s not a long time in comparison to my life, but it feels like forever at the moment. I’ve passed the point where I care about the fake smile that I give people. People can’t be bothered to be my friend, so why should I bother anymore? It sounds a little self centred, but I’m done with all this. I’m ready for the new me, the better me where I’m happy to be where I am and enjoying my life again.

What thing would you change about your life to make you happy?

That voice inside your head

It’s funny how I have this voice inside my head, narrating my thoughts as I go, but when I go to put words onto paper…I draw a blank. I find opinions on anything and make myself believe that I can write a great book, but then I get no ideas. I guess I’m one of those “on the go” kind of people. A blank screen gives me no inspiration. I would love to sit in a crowded place and write up what I think peoples lives are. The best place to be is a little cafe in france where they have the chairs facing the people, so that you can watch the world go by. It’s funny how peaceful and relaxing it is to watch when you’re actually in a crowded area. Your brain just zones out and your ears listen, but do not hear.

My thoughts don’t always make sense, so sorry if you get confused. Blogging has allowed me to learn three things in a short period of time:

1. I talk to myself a lot

2. I have strange thoughts

3. It really clears my mind to write things out.

I thought that I should keep it short and sweet seeming that it is 12:50 am and I’m extremely tired, but I’d love to hear your thoughts/experiences with the voice in your head šŸ˜‰

Time really does tell all

I have this friend who I’ve known since year 3, age 7. We were so close, almost like sisters. Even after we went to different schools for year 7, we always saw each other. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. We could FaceTime for hours just gossiping about the latest nothing. She was there for me when I lost both my grandfathers and when I went through dramas at home, she was the only one I confided in. But something happened. Something changed in her. She grew close to someone else and my friendship wasn’t as important to her anymore. I still tried to be there for her, but she wasn’t there for me.

We went on a school trip up to Covent Garden in late November and when the time came for shopping, she didn’t want to because she wasn’t feeling too great and she hadn’t enjoyed it the last time we came, so I said that I would sit in Starbucks with her and keep her company. Our friendship started to rekindle and I really enjoyed myself. She made me go to the toilet with her (she has a fear of locked doors from when she was younger). We laughed at the fact that when we came out, not only was there a good looking guy waiting, but a whole line of people. We had to do the walk of shame and we were thoroughly embarrassed, but it brought us closer. The second time she made me go with her, we were waiting for a toilet to free and when the door did open, first a man walked out and then a woman who was wiping her hands. You can imagine the thoughts that were going through our heads,

When the time had come to leave the warmth of Starbucks and head off to the iceskating rink, we headed outside to find our tutor groups to get registered. As soon as we left the coffee house, she acted as if we didn’t know each other. She linked arms with someone else and headed off to the ice rink, leaving me to walk alone. I felt like crying, and I still do sometimes when I think about it.

She doesn’t know much about me anymore, If you asked her what I wanted to do with my life, she’ll most probably not know the answer.

Should I try and fix the relationship that she doesn’t seem interested in anymore? Or should I just move on and savour the memories that we once shared?

Advice is much needed…

The new me

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “New Skin.”

There isn’t really anyone or anything that I like so much that I’d want to be them for a year, if I’m going to be really honest. I know I complain about my life, but who doesn’t? If I had the chance to edit myself, then there are a few changes that I would make. I would skip a few years so that I’m older, but not too old. I would have a husband who, will hopefully, be handsome and we’d have 2 daughters, Anastasia and Katherine (the names are still debatable). I’d be a fully qualified paramedic and I’d be saving peoples lives. I want to see if it’s really me and if I’m happy with my life.

I don’t care if people think that that’s boring, but that’s me. All I’ve ever wanted is to have a job that makes a difference, a husband who loves me and children.

The morning after…

So I’ll admit it, I was jealous with the lead up to New Years knowing that I was with my parents and gran while the majority of my friends were at some party having fun without me, but after hearing all the details, it didn’t sound that great. Some people were playing video games and others just getting quietly drunk. One girl almost got alcohol poisoning and her dad was contemplating taking her to hospital…. she doesn’t have the best track record with these kinda parties, last time she chipped her tooth badly, literally like half of it was missing! She also snogged the majority of the guys there. But these are allĀ storiesĀ that I heard because, once again, my over protective mother wouldn’t let me go. I get that she wants to protect me and that situations can turn south, but she needs to be able to trust that I can handle myself and that if anything bad does happen, I will call to be picked up.

I think it’s best to forget last year and just think about the year to come. I need to focus on my A levels and make sure that I get the grades to get into my chosen Uni. I’m done with sixth form now, I want to go to Uni, learn how to be a paramedic and start working. I’ve been on this earth for nearly 17 years and I have nothing to show for it. I want to make a difference to someones life. I want that feeing of self worth and that thought that if I wasn’t here, would that person still be alive. Is that so bad?

What are your dreams and aspirations? Do you even know yet? It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and with the help of my favourite tv show, Chicago Fire, I realised what I was meant to do. If you haven’t watched Chicago Fire, you must! It’s full of sexy firemen šŸ˜‰ Sorry, I have a…small obsession with them, but that’s for another time

You see that girl in the corner? Yeah, well, that’s me…

You could say that I’m not a very outgoing person, well at least not in a large crowd with people I don’t know. Well actually, to be honest, I’m not very “out there” with my group of friends at times.

Do you ever wonder if the people who you call “friends” would ever miss you if you left? I do, and I have been given the answer a couple of times. When my group of friends spilt up, as we all were going to different schools, we all made that pact that we would always chat and see each other often. Well this test really proved who was willing to make the effort to keep in touch.

Some people, who are used to all the attention, don’t realise how lonely someone can get when in a crowd of people who aren’t talking to you. I know the feeling, I get it often. I sometimes take a moment to look around me at my so called “friends” and see what they’re really like. You can tell so much by someones body language. You can see when a girl is trying to get a guys attention, she’ll flirtatiously laugh at him, even if there was not joke, she will be all giggly and most probably play with her hair. You can tell if someone has somewhere better to be as they’re constantly on their phones, talking to the people who they really want to be with. There are people who always have to be centre of attention and the lead of the conversation and they will always be inserting themselves and making sure that they are heard by moving so that everyone can see them. And finally, you can tell when someone is upset and/or contemplating life as they’re very quiet and fixated on one spot. They are hearing to their surroundings, but not listening. I would call myself one of those people.

I’ve had enough of where I am. I want to be doing something that makes a difference. I want to be with people who want to be with me because they want to, not just because our paths happen to cross. I want to have friends that messaged me when they haven’t seen me for a few days to make sure that I’m alive and not spend hours waiting for there reply.

Yes, that does make me sound boring and needy, but I guess that’s how I am, so I suggest that you either take or leave it.

The choice is up to you…..

What the world’s come to…

The ebola crisis….don’t get me started. It’s still going on and getting worse! But does it appear in the news anymore? No. That’s because it’s “boring” to the western world now and it’s only “interesting” whenĀ one personĀ from a western country gets it, which is nothing compared to Africa. It’s unbelievable how the westerners have let it get this bad and the scary thing is that they won’t be doing anything about it until the more “important” people start dying. But just how many people have to die before proper action is taken? Things aren’t going to magically change and this isn’t going to die down (poor choice of words, i know) if anything it’s just going to get so out of hand that soon everyone will be suffering.

The media are turning a blind eye. We need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem and just selling a christmas song for Ā£1 is not enough! And anyway, most of the “celebs” weren’t doing it to help, but to improve their image, which completely defeats the point of the whole thing. And anyway, I don’t see them donating huge chunks of their massive cheques. But then again, why should they? They are “celebrities” after all…. (I do hope that you got the sarcasm…).

Celebrity images are meant to be ones that you can look up to, but none of them have shown themselves. Itā€™s the genuine people with hearts that care for the people that are considered as inferior.

…and that would be a short summary of my view on the ebola crisis.