What am I doing?

Suffering, it’s everywhere and anywhere. Just open your eyes and truly look. You never know, the person you’re sitting next to could be going through some major trauma and not even realise it. I must admit that I’ve gotten quite good at hiding my true feelings from people. I have pulled myself into a little bubble that no one can get into. Every now and then I let someone into a small room, but no one has ever fully come in. After my trust and friendship has been manipulated and discarded, I don’t want to give it back again. I’m someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, but that’s drastically changing.

Yes, I’m isolating myself, but it’s what I need to do at the moment. I’m done with waiting for my so called “friends” to take an interest in me. I need to focus on working on myself and making a new and improved me.

I’ve recently realised that I’m too self centred, I need to focus my mind onto something else. I don’t really like being the centre of attention, one of the reasons why I stick to the sides unnoticed. I have my volunteering tonight, so I’m going to try and focus on that and my work.

What are your interests? I’d love to know 🙂

God, are you there?

Life’s in a bit of a turmoil at the moment, hence for the reason of my lack of blogging. I’m finding it hard to stand on the ground. Have you ever wondered where you truly belong? That’s all that’s going through my mind at the moment. I want to exceed in everything I do, but every time that I sit down, I summon up the determination to do it. It’s like my mind has already given up before I’ve started. I am so scared of what will happen in the future because the older I get, the more I realise that there isn’t anything perfect out there. My life is a mess and I don’t know how to fix it. The is probably where I should turn to God, but it’s hard because I will always defend him when he is questioned, but I feel like I go unnoticed by him. I have been going to church since I was 2, I tried to do everything right, but it’s never been enough. I pray and pray, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. That great love that you’re meant to feel isn’t there anymore. I feel alone more than ever and it’s taking its toll on me. I can’t talk to anyone, so that’s why I’m voicing my thoughts here. I feel insignificant in a world full of significance.

I’ve been listening to Hozier’s song ‘Take Me To Church’ a lot recently, in fact I’m listening to it now and I think it describes what I’m feeling at the moment quite well.

Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

I want to give God my life, I really do, but how can I when so much has been taken from me and I’m in such misery? When can I have my happy life back when I don’t worry about the smallest details and actually enjoy my day to day life? I need help, but I don’t know where to go anymore. Any suggestions?

That’s life

Last night I went and met the people volunteering at St John’s Ambulance. I felt welcome straight away and I became very excited when told what things I’d be doing and experiencing, well apart from the drills that we have to do…I’m not the most sporty person in the world, especially since I’m still in the recovery process from the operation that I had on my knee. But I’m not going to allow that get me down because I finally feel like I’ve found my feet somewhere. The sad thing is, I don’t really have anyone to share my feelings with. I don’t have a friend who’s interested enough in me to find out what I’ve been getting up to. But that’s okay, I’m going to do my own thing and they can do theirs. I need to focus on bringing up my grades and experiences so that I can secure a place at my top university.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you this, well it’s because I want my voice to be heard, and I seem to be mute in my current situation. It’s just a nice thought to think that somewhere, someone out there is listening to me. I’m not a great philosopher and I’m not that interesting, well, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t excel in anything. The only thing that makes me stick out of the crowd is my height. I’m scared that I won’t be accepted by anyone because there’s nothing special to me. I’ll admit I’m a little insecure, but you can’t blame me. Every class I’m in, there is someone else that gets all the top marks effortlessly and there’s me, working my butt off to end up with an average grade. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I can’t wait to find somewhere where I’m not ignored and left to be on my own. To be with people who want to be with me and are interested in what I have to say. I think it would be accurate to say that I’m stuck in a depression at the moment, but I am trying to get out of it. It’s one of the reasons I started blogging.

Are you the one left, right and centre or the one who quietly watches in the background?

This is not a slave free world we live in

Not many people know this, but there is currently over 27, 000, 000 million slaves in this world at the moment and that number is drastically rising every day. It is higher than any point in human history. Often these slaves are kidnapped or sold by families under desperate circumstances. As the demand to exploit men, women and children fro manual and sexual labour increases, the average age of victims continues to fall. Every 30 seconds another person is trafficked. Only 1 out of 100,000 European traffickers are convicted and only 1-2% of victims are ever rescued. It seems unreal, does’t it? Even after all that we fought for, people are still being forced into slavery and the rest of the world is oblivion to it.

The A21 Campaign fights for freedom. They are a non-profit, non-government funded organisation and are situated all over the world. There are people currently in Indonesia, from the organisation, staying in the brothels where women are being trafficked at sex slaves. They are secretly recording the men in order to get them arrested and save the girls.

Please don’t let the big numbers frighten you into thinking that the little bit of money that you can give is not nearly enough because it is. Your money goes towards helping the girls by sending people out there, rescuing them and bringing them home to their families. Please spread the word about Human Trafficking and help bring it to a stop.

I came across the A21 Campaign a few years ago and it really hit me hard when I realised the facts about it all. I am a committed wristband wearer, which means that wherever I go, people see it and ask about it so I am able to share with them the shocking facts about the world we live in.

This is something that I care deeply about and I hope that you will too

Should you be reading this?

My dream reader…. well, depending on the topic, I would like it to be someone who understands what I’m thinking and feeling, but has a little more knowledge on it so they can share their wisdom with me. I’m mostly looking for advice and seeking out others who are going what I’m going through. Maybe my stories and experiences aren’t better than yours, and I’m not claiming that they are, but I do tell the truth and I know that people like to read things that show they’re alone. I can tell you now that I know how it feels to be alone when you don’t want to be, I feel it often, but I’m here and ready to listen to anyone who wants to talk. Sometimes you don’t need to talk to an expert on your feelings. Sometimes you just need someone who shares your feelings.

So if you feel the way I do, or worse, or anything that you want to voice, my ear will always be open for you.

Who I am and why I’m here

The question “who am I?” Is difficult for me to answer because I don’t feel like I know myself anymore. (Which leads me to the second question, but that’s jumping ahead a bit). I have been consumed by the world around me that I haven’t been able to spend some time with myself and process everyone.

The answer to the second question ‘why am I here?” is because I want to collate my thoughts and share them out so I don’t feel so alone anymore. The people around me don’t understand me and it would be nice to have some real support from people who really care. I may be asking too much from a simple blog, but it’s an answer I can truthfully give.

The first day back…

It’s the first day back and everyone is chatting to one another, but not to me. It’s like I haven’t arrived at all, well, my presence is acknowledged by the hushed whispering tones around me. Everyone seems to be catching up and having fun, but I don’t feel like I belong anymore. I don’t fit in. I’ve out grown my friends….or have they out grown me?

I have to find the strength to carry on, it’s not a long time in comparison to my life, but it feels like forever at the moment. I’ve passed the point where I care about the fake smile that I give people. People can’t be bothered to be my friend, so why should I bother anymore? It sounds a little self centred, but I’m done with all this. I’m ready for the new me, the better me where I’m happy to be where I am and enjoying my life again.

What thing would you change about your life to make you happy?

That voice inside your head

It’s funny how I have this voice inside my head, narrating my thoughts as I go, but when I go to put words onto paper…I draw a blank. I find opinions on anything and make myself believe that I can write a great book, but then I get no ideas. I guess I’m one of those “on the go” kind of people. A blank screen gives me no inspiration. I would love to sit in a crowded place and write up what I think peoples lives are. The best place to be is a little cafe in france where they have the chairs facing the people, so that you can watch the world go by. It’s funny how peaceful and relaxing it is to watch when you’re actually in a crowded area. Your brain just zones out and your ears listen, but do not hear.

My thoughts don’t always make sense, so sorry if you get confused. Blogging has allowed me to learn three things in a short period of time:

1. I talk to myself a lot

2. I have strange thoughts

3. It really clears my mind to write things out.

I thought that I should keep it short and sweet seeming that it is 12:50 am and I’m extremely tired, but I’d love to hear your thoughts/experiences with the voice in your head 😉

Time really does tell all

I have this friend who I’ve known since year 3, age 7. We were so close, almost like sisters. Even after we went to different schools for year 7, we always saw each other. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. We could FaceTime for hours just gossiping about the latest nothing. She was there for me when I lost both my grandfathers and when I went through dramas at home, she was the only one I confided in. But something happened. Something changed in her. She grew close to someone else and my friendship wasn’t as important to her anymore. I still tried to be there for her, but she wasn’t there for me.

We went on a school trip up to Covent Garden in late November and when the time came for shopping, she didn’t want to because she wasn’t feeling too great and she hadn’t enjoyed it the last time we came, so I said that I would sit in Starbucks with her and keep her company. Our friendship started to rekindle and I really enjoyed myself. She made me go to the toilet with her (she has a fear of locked doors from when she was younger). We laughed at the fact that when we came out, not only was there a good looking guy waiting, but a whole line of people. We had to do the walk of shame and we were thoroughly embarrassed, but it brought us closer. The second time she made me go with her, we were waiting for a toilet to free and when the door did open, first a man walked out and then a woman who was wiping her hands. You can imagine the thoughts that were going through our heads,

When the time had come to leave the warmth of Starbucks and head off to the iceskating rink, we headed outside to find our tutor groups to get registered. As soon as we left the coffee house, she acted as if we didn’t know each other. She linked arms with someone else and headed off to the ice rink, leaving me to walk alone. I felt like crying, and I still do sometimes when I think about it.

She doesn’t know much about me anymore, If you asked her what I wanted to do with my life, she’ll most probably not know the answer.

Should I try and fix the relationship that she doesn’t seem interested in anymore? Or should I just move on and savour the memories that we once shared?

Advice is much needed…

The new me

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “New Skin.”

There isn’t really anyone or anything that I like so much that I’d want to be them for a year, if I’m going to be really honest. I know I complain about my life, but who doesn’t? If I had the chance to edit myself, then there are a few changes that I would make. I would skip a few years so that I’m older, but not too old. I would have a husband who, will hopefully, be handsome and we’d have 2 daughters, Anastasia and Katherine (the names are still debatable). I’d be a fully qualified paramedic and I’d be saving peoples lives. I want to see if it’s really me and if I’m happy with my life.

I don’t care if people think that that’s boring, but that’s me. All I’ve ever wanted is to have a job that makes a difference, a husband who loves me and children.