A bird shouldn’t be caged, you should let it spread it’s wings

I haven’t written in a while because life has been busy with the lead up to exams and all, but it has gotten to the point where I need to vent out my frustration. So here’s a little about whats happened recently…

My nan, from South Africa, arrived a few weeks ago to live permanently in England. Things were going okay, no huge fights like last time, but people are starting to get in each others way. My nan is constantly going on about something, she won’t let us sit in peace while watching tv because she doesn’t know the program, so she tries to start a conversation louder than the tv. She won’t sit still and she’s constantly muttering to herself. She’s awfully racist and is always complaining about something I’ve done. My stress levels are through the roof and I can’t take it anymore.

I was talking to my friend Annie, who goes to St John’s Cadets with me, and she told be about this company called Gapforce where you can either do a gap year or volunteer in a country doing all sorts of things. What really caught my attention was a 2 week medical trip to Ghana where I would help out in a mobile clinic. It sounds like something I could be good at and get a great deal out of, and not just because it would look good on my UCAS, but because I would actually be doing something helpful for people who need it.

When I brought it up to my dad when he first got home, he was really supportive and said it sounded like a great experience and he didn’t seem too fazed by the price. I had looked up flight costs, visa costs and budgeted it all. However, when I brought the subject up round the dinner table, my mum and nan where totally against it. My mum said “You are not going to Ghana. They have Ebola..etc” She said it was too dangerous and that’s when my nan came in with her racist comments saying that they have enough blacks out there that can help them. It made me so mad how she was reacting that I collected all the plates up and left the table.

This is perfect for me, yet the only one who is supportive is my dad. I’m ashamed to say this, but sometimes I think my life would be so much easier and happier if my mum wasn’t around. I do love her, but she’s too overprotective and won’t let me explore life on my own. She won’t let me do anything because of what she’s experienced, but that then means I’m not experiencing anything for myself.

How do I deal with her and my nan? How can I get them to see that Ghana is exactly what I want and need to do? Advice is needed…

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Going the distance for a long distance relationship

Are they really worth it? This is a genuine question I’m asking you because I’ve managed to find myself in a bit of a…pickle. Here it goes:

I met this guy a few years ago and we became quite close friends, however the whole relationship was basically via text. I’m in the UK and he’s in Germany. After over a year things started to kinda escalate, emotions started to heighten and a certain 4 letter word was exchanged more than once. We talked every day, he was the first person I spoke to in the morning and the last person in the evening (and sometimes early morning). However, because he’s a few years older than me, he started to make things too serious too fast. It scared me to think that he might be the only one I ever had a “proper” relationship with and I was feeling trapped. I cooled things off, saying we shouldn’t speak anymore, but neither one of us could last a few days at a time without talking.

It got to the point where I found it pointless to be talking to him because we weren’t having proper conversations and he even forgot my birthday, which is stupid I know, but it hurt. Anyway for a year now we have been talking once a month or so, but I can’t help thinking of him and what our lives could be like. I’m always so tempted to ask if he wants to get back together, but then I get jealous thinking that other couples get to do meaningless stuff like lying on the couch together or simply just sitting on a bed chatting, instead of just messaging each other.

What should I do? Is anyone in a long distance relationship that is working? Does anybody have any advice for me because I’m really stuck in the mud with my head saying one thing and my heart saying something else.

To be the inspiration or to be the inspired?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Morton’s Fork.”

If I could only either write my blog (and not read others) or read other blogs (and not write my own)

I’m not 100% sure what I’d pick straight away. It’s quite a tough one for me because I don’t really think that my blog is an “inspirational work of art” as I just rant on about my thoughts and feelings. I seek advice and try, when I can, to help others. It’s really my online diary, to be honest. So my answer would be read others because the answer is always out there, you just got to ask the right questions. I think I could learn a lot by just reading other people’s blogs on a certain topic that is on my mind that day. I think I need more help than I could give out.

However, I would really miss blogging because I’m finally get my thoughts out there and there is someone who listens, which always makes me feel better. It doesn’t make me feel so alone and that my voice does actually matter. I haven’t told anyone about my blogging because I’m afraid of them laughing and reading it. My posts contain thoughts that I have never let out before, which might be consequential if the wrong person reads it.

I guess it’s a bit silly, but I quite like having my own little secret safe haven where I can truly be me without worrying or second guessing myself.

I know I’ve kinda gone off course, but when my mind goes off on a thread, it’s quite hard to reel it back in.

Anyway, what my point is is that I would rather read other people’s blogs as I think that I could find solace in other people’s experiences and their voice that they are sharing to the world.

Starting Afresh

Okay, so my birthday is coming up soon and I’ve realised that there are so many things that I haven’t achieved that I wanted. Looking back, I haven’t done much this year to be truly proud of. This year has kinda deteriorated for me and I want to change that. I need to take my life back into my own hands. I’m sick of setting myself goals and not achieving them. So far I’ve been all bark and no bite, but not anymore. A new fire has been released within me. I have made a new change within myself and I don’t care if people notice it or not because I only care about how I feel about myself.

I can’t keep letting life pull me down because I’m young and I sure as hell deserve something good to happen in my life for once. Let’s just say that death and disappointment have been frequent visitors in my life and they have taken their toll. I want out of this rut and I want out now! I need to stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself and actually start achieving what I want. I need to ace my exams and I need to get into my top university because that’s when my life is truly going to begin. I need this more than ever because it’s what defines me. I feel like I have nothing, nothing that makes my life important enough.

Am I the only one feeling this way? I hope not.

I know what I want so badly that I can almost taste it and it makes my heart beat stronger when I think about it. It’s my turn to be happy and thankful for everything that has been given to me.

What am I doing?

Suffering, it’s everywhere and anywhere. Just open your eyes and truly look. You never know, the person you’re sitting next to could be going through some major trauma and not even realise it. I must admit that I’ve gotten quite good at hiding my true feelings from people. I have pulled myself into a little bubble that no one can get into. Every now and then I let someone into a small room, but no one has ever fully come in. After my trust and friendship has been manipulated and discarded, I don’t want to give it back again. I’m someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, but that’s drastically changing.

Yes, I’m isolating myself, but it’s what I need to do at the moment. I’m done with waiting for my so called “friends” to take an interest in me. I need to focus on working on myself and making a new and improved me.

I’ve recently realised that I’m too self centred, I need to focus my mind onto something else. I don’t really like being the centre of attention, one of the reasons why I stick to the sides unnoticed. I have my volunteering tonight, so I’m going to try and focus on that and my work.

What are your interests? I’d love to know 🙂

God, are you there?

Life’s in a bit of a turmoil at the moment, hence for the reason of my lack of blogging. I’m finding it hard to stand on the ground. Have you ever wondered where you truly belong? That’s all that’s going through my mind at the moment. I want to exceed in everything I do, but every time that I sit down, I summon up the determination to do it. It’s like my mind has already given up before I’ve started. I am so scared of what will happen in the future because the older I get, the more I realise that there isn’t anything perfect out there. My life is a mess and I don’t know how to fix it. The is probably where I should turn to God, but it’s hard because I will always defend him when he is questioned, but I feel like I go unnoticed by him. I have been going to church since I was 2, I tried to do everything right, but it’s never been enough. I pray and pray, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. That great love that you’re meant to feel isn’t there anymore. I feel alone more than ever and it’s taking its toll on me. I can’t talk to anyone, so that’s why I’m voicing my thoughts here. I feel insignificant in a world full of significance.

I’ve been listening to Hozier’s song ‘Take Me To Church’ a lot recently, in fact I’m listening to it now and I think it describes what I’m feeling at the moment quite well.

Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

I want to give God my life, I really do, but how can I when so much has been taken from me and I’m in such misery? When can I have my happy life back when I don’t worry about the smallest details and actually enjoy my day to day life? I need help, but I don’t know where to go anymore. Any suggestions?

That’s life

Last night I went and met the people volunteering at St John’s Ambulance. I felt welcome straight away and I became very excited when told what things I’d be doing and experiencing, well apart from the drills that we have to do…I’m not the most sporty person in the world, especially since I’m still in the recovery process from the operation that I had on my knee. But I’m not going to allow that get me down because I finally feel like I’ve found my feet somewhere. The sad thing is, I don’t really have anyone to share my feelings with. I don’t have a friend who’s interested enough in me to find out what I’ve been getting up to. But that’s okay, I’m going to do my own thing and they can do theirs. I need to focus on bringing up my grades and experiences so that I can secure a place at my top university.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you this, well it’s because I want my voice to be heard, and I seem to be mute in my current situation. It’s just a nice thought to think that somewhere, someone out there is listening to me. I’m not a great philosopher and I’m not that interesting, well, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t excel in anything. The only thing that makes me stick out of the crowd is my height. I’m scared that I won’t be accepted by anyone because there’s nothing special to me. I’ll admit I’m a little insecure, but you can’t blame me. Every class I’m in, there is someone else that gets all the top marks effortlessly and there’s me, working my butt off to end up with an average grade. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I can’t wait to find somewhere where I’m not ignored and left to be on my own. To be with people who want to be with me and are interested in what I have to say. I think it would be accurate to say that I’m stuck in a depression at the moment, but I am trying to get out of it. It’s one of the reasons I started blogging.

Are you the one left, right and centre or the one who quietly watches in the background?

This is not a slave free world we live in

Not many people know this, but there is currently over 27, 000, 000 million slaves in this world at the moment and that number is drastically rising every day. It is higher than any point in human history. Often these slaves are kidnapped or sold by families under desperate circumstances. As the demand to exploit men, women and children fro manual and sexual labour increases, the average age of victims continues to fall. Every 30 seconds another person is trafficked. Only 1 out of 100,000 European traffickers are convicted and only 1-2% of victims are ever rescued. It seems unreal, does’t it? Even after all that we fought for, people are still being forced into slavery and the rest of the world is oblivion to it.

The A21 Campaign fights for freedom. They are a non-profit, non-government funded organisation and are situated all over the world. There are people currently in Indonesia, from the organisation, staying in the brothels where women are being trafficked at sex slaves. They are secretly recording the men in order to get them arrested and save the girls.

Please don’t let the big numbers frighten you into thinking that the little bit of money that you can give is not nearly enough because it is. Your money goes towards helping the girls by sending people out there, rescuing them and bringing them home to their families. Please spread the word about Human Trafficking and help bring it to a stop.

I came across the A21 Campaign a few years ago and it really hit me hard when I realised the facts about it all. I am a committed wristband wearer, which means that wherever I go, people see it and ask about it so I am able to share with them the shocking facts about the world we live in.

This is something that I care deeply about and I hope that you will too

Should you be reading this?

My dream reader…. well, depending on the topic, I would like it to be someone who understands what I’m thinking and feeling, but has a little more knowledge on it so they can share their wisdom with me. I’m mostly looking for advice and seeking out others who are going what I’m going through. Maybe my stories and experiences aren’t better than yours, and I’m not claiming that they are, but I do tell the truth and I know that people like to read things that show they’re alone. I can tell you now that I know how it feels to be alone when you don’t want to be, I feel it often, but I’m here and ready to listen to anyone who wants to talk. Sometimes you don’t need to talk to an expert on your feelings. Sometimes you just need someone who shares your feelings.

So if you feel the way I do, or worse, or anything that you want to voice, my ear will always be open for you.

Who I am and why I’m here

The question “who am I?” Is difficult for me to answer because I don’t feel like I know myself anymore. (Which leads me to the second question, but that’s jumping ahead a bit). I have been consumed by the world around me that I haven’t been able to spend some time with myself and process everyone.

The answer to the second question ‘why am I here?” is because I want to collate my thoughts and share them out so I don’t feel so alone anymore. The people around me don’t understand me and it would be nice to have some real support from people who really care. I may be asking too much from a simple blog, but it’s an answer I can truthfully give.